Light the Fear

Don't Bury Me in a Winter Coat

 

What must it be like to face the beautiful leaves of Fall, the shortening days, the return of cool breezes and cold nights with the doubt that you can survive until the Spring? What happens when sickness or depression or just the end of a long well-lived life make you so frail that the Autumn air and colors make you wonder if you've seen your last Spring rather then simply be excited about Fall?

For many, death comes swift and unexpected, a punch to the gut with no time to consider it or your relation to it. But for others, there is prescience and there is anticipation, dread and anger, frustration and this feeling of helplessness, of waiting and wishing, always wondering what you should do. Feeling guilty for not staying longer yet knowing soon you will go, and yet always struggling inside with the potential of enlightened immortality. Why must I die? Why now?

Knowing you will miss those that will miss you too, but knowing even stronger that you will miss the sweet breath of real life more than any one relationship. Perhaps you have faith in an afterlife and you have made your peace on earth and with your Creator. Perhaps you go to your death knowing that “life does not end with death,” and yet at least a part of you still does not want to die. It wants to live.

What have we lost by not living with the cycles of life? What could we still learn? What should I do to help my friend who is old and struggling to stay alive? How can that part of a person that wants to live another day more than anything become connected to the part that is internally aware of their own true nature and completely equipped to heal and renew? Is there in fact, a divine part of us that can be immortal?

I think so, and most faiths would say yes. Buddha and Jesus (among others) certainly represent examples or at least symbols of such ascended humans. But isn't the most powerful part of their lives the simple fact that they demonstrate the true nature and potential of humans to ascend? Why can't we all use their powers?

And if we can have such divine power, how do we turn it on? Can we do it alone, like they did? Or do we all need to act together to believe in the possibility before we can make it real? Is believing enough, or must we act to make it real?

As the green canopy around the Tree House begins to yellow and brown, Simon and I sniff the cool clean air, but decide to have lunch inside today; it's too cold. Winter coats come in slow for older cats, and the pretty colors and sweet smells that make today a beautiful Autumn day are also pregnant with the promise of a long winter ahead. Which you think of when you sense them just depends on your state-of-mind and what you are facing.

When the time comes to die, we are all, by definition, where we are “supposed to be,” and yet the power of love can always change the world. Our latent immortal potential is always just about to be realized, isn't it? Or is death as important as life? Should I appreciate it's experience as any other and stop trying to avoid it?

Whether in tiny steps or in cataclysmic immediacy, I believe conscious focused love has the power to heal anything and change everything, and so I face the cycle of the seasons and my friend's life with some confusion about what I am supposed to accept and what my divine nature allows me to change through love.

I don't crave immortality for myself, but for my friend, I would share any and all of my power with him to give him another day here should that be what he wants. When is anyone supposed to die?  Does that question even make sense anymore?  Not to me...

So if I die, please, don't bury me in a winter coat.  In my heart, I always feel that Spring is just around the corner...

Never Can Say Goodbye

January 20, 2004

I want to live like I might die tomorrow, and yet I don't really want to have to die tomorrow.

I thought I was having a heart attack today.  it sucked.  Well, and I guess I could still have one while I'm typing this (or later).  My mom will hate to read that if she ever does, but that's ok because I guess it will have worked itself out by then: dramatically predictive, wonderfully tragic or just bad italian food, too much anxiety and not enough exercise.   Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have a heart attack, and although my grandpa had a bunch on my mom's side, my dad didn't, well at least to my knowledge.  It's kind of funny what goes through your head when you're sitting there going, "Am I about to die?"

Now I just sound a bit like a drama queen, but really sometimes these things just happen upon you.  Play the odds, analyze the symptoms, talk to your partner, make your call.  Go to the doctor?  Get chills down your back?  Gotta start eating better (again).  Gotta get out and exercise more.  Think about it.  Stretch it out.  You're OK....I think.   It happens, I guess, but it sucked.

Will was what I thought of first.  Him and how much he has changed my life.  How he inspires me to be a better human being, to seek my soul and to share it in the playful manner of a child.  I thought of him and what a cruel thing it must be to up and die on someone.  I mean, it's not like you mean to die.  You just do.  And yet there's still this other half left there open and raw and still alive; wanting you, needing you and feeling your loss.  Who knows what the dead feel, but for the living death is a life-defining moment.   I thought of all the things I should say to him, try to say to him.  Would he know how much I love him?  how much he changed my life?  One of my best friends in the world lost her husband suddenly a few years ago, and she is such an amazing shining beautiful example of love. You survive.  You go on and you seek your own destiny, but you never forget. We've just got started.

Then I thought of work.  Boy that would suck.  I've met some really good people and feel blessed to be a part of a great team, not only running a great company but also tackling some of the coolest most important questions about how we all relate and interact together.  It would take time to find someone to replace me and in the short-term administration of things could get ugly.  It's nice to feel needed I guess, and a blessing to feel like you have something to contribute to attacking those opportunities.  I've also made some good friends through my current job, and they would miss me.  I know I couldn't say that about some of my previous jobs.  Stupid heart attack, right there in my office it would have happened.  Not the legacy I want (the guy who died in the office), and what poor sap would have had to found me?  Please God, no incontinence with any heart failure, ok?

Then I thought of my mom, and my sisters and brothers.  What would that be like?  I'd like to say I know, but I don't.  Oh, I don't mean to imply that they wouldn't miss me or that it wouldn't hurt terribly for them, but more just how much I think I could even accurately picture that, or maybe want to picture that.  I love them, and they know that.  Same for my chosen family.  Death happens among the living, but I have lived so much life with and through these people.  I know they would celebrate me and help each other.  That actually made me smile, and I started to think that I really wasn't having a heart attack then for the first time.  Kind of a scary moment, and I guess I'll probably go to the doctor to make everyone happy, myself included. 

But I want to live like I might die tomorrow, and yet I don't really want to have to die tomorrow.   I want to give to those in my life, whether long or short term, intimate friend or total stranger.  I want to believe in the goodness of all people, especially those whose fear leads them to choose in ways I would not, including our leaders.  I want to respect the big plan and just try my best to do my part.  I want to speak my mind because there are some things that need to be said.  I've been often fond of saying recently that I never planned to live past thirty, so I've spent the years past that milestone trying to write a whole new plan for the next thirty.  Why I grew up to not expect to live very long is a subject for another blog, but it took my heart attack scare today to help me realize how much real life change I have already made in my time here.  I am blessed and I am grateful.

And I'm not done yet., not by a long shot.   Faith is something not much in vogue to discuss, and yet in the end, it is all what days like this become I suppose.  My faith is strong.  Stronger than it has ever been, and so in the end I thought of God.  What would it be like to die?  to meet your maker?  I'm not a doom and gloom spiritual guy.  Not at all.  I believe living here as a human is a fine learning experience open to all, and I fully expect to be greeted by my peers and my guides on the other side when it is my time to go.  I just don't want to leave all of you here yet.   I feel like I just got myself kinda figured out, and  I'm just getting started on all the rest.

Then a sly smile crept across my face. "I've actually already met Her," I thought to myself,  and She says I should stay.

Here's to that!